Relaunching My Blog

I have decided to relaunch my blog. This will be a MomBlog that deals with life, struggles, and balancing a lifestyle that is simple and easy while still allowing my children fun experiences.

I have been away from blogging because I nearly died and then got pregnant really quickly after and struggled with really debilitating postpartum depression and I had/have a very strong-willed son. I would see these moms who had children around the same time I did and they recovered quickly and were doing amazing things like maintaining their homes and style and then I would look at myself and just feel like I didn't have anything else to offer in the realm of parenting because I was really, really struggling.

Now I know that that just ins't true and that I have gained a plethora of information and ways to help with motherhood and postpartum recovery. I'm really learning how to choose to take the sour lemons that come in life and motherhood and make them into the sweetest lemonade.

I am excited to relaunch my blog and have passion to bring about honest motherhood.  The good, the bad, the ugly, and how to learn from it.

Please come along for the ride!

My High Needs Son (Things I'd Like You To Know)

He's cute. He's sweet. He's fun. He displays what appears to be the epitome of happiness, joy, and a well-adjusted, well-rounded toddler. He'll squeal and melt your heart, blissfully enjoying the world around him. And more often than not, if you catch his eye, he'll even flash you an endearing, heart melting smile.

You notice us as we walk through the grocery store; I push him in the cart as he jumps and wiggles in his seat- high on life, my older daughter in tow- usually goofing off with him, and you gush at how adorable they are and how blessed I am. I politely smile (I know they are but don't want to seem prideful but in all honesty, you don't know the half of it) as I stop to grab a bunch of bananas and move on. I then realize that my cute and adorable son has managed to grab a glass bottle of some sort and I quickly take it from him right as he's getting ready to chuck it out of the cart . . . And that's when you hear it. . . A blood curdling, ear popping scream. His entire pleasant disposition has changed. He's red, angry, and loud and you take a double check to see if it's even the same baby you saw blissfully squealing moments before. I frantically look for something inside my diaper bag to distract him and give him a toy. Maybe he'll take it, maybe he'll chuck out the cart. Who knows. It's a guessing game but it's the only move I've got left in this game of laugh or scream that my son plays several times a day, on a daily basis.

But this is our boy. This is parenting a high needs child. They're not your normal child. Things that work with children who are not high needs definitely don't work with him. And guess what, we know we're not always pleasant to be around, we know he seems spoiled and catered to, we know it. Oh, do we know it!

Some have blamed me, saying that he's just reading me and responding to me. Some have tried to give me advice about how they handled their difficult child. Some have tried to encourage me saying their child has grown out of it.

But he's not responding to my facial expression, I'm responding to him; I'm panicked that his small display of discomfort or displeasure will escalate to full-on screaming tantrum that will make me never want to venture out of our house again. Your child is nothing like mine, and I saw you struggle the whole way through; please don't pretend to be an expert. And telling me it'll take 5 years for him to turn around makes me want to cry more than I already do.

Please know that I believe you are well-meaning but I don't need people telling me what I'm doing wrong or that I need to change my perspective, I already spend the majority of my time telling myself likewise. I need understanding, compassion, and a moment of prayer. I need encouragement for tomorrow, not for 5 years from now.. And if I sounds harsh, or rude, or unappreciative, please know that I'm not. I'm just already so broken about it all that I'm tired of feeling kicked while I'm down. It's hard enough to get back up without the constant reminder that I haven't figured my son out yet.

Please know, we're working on and with him and at 14 months old, there's very little we can do but weather this storm. I usually don't know what he wants or needs and I'm convinced that neither does he. There's no winning strategy at this point. And yes, we've taken him to our pediatrician (she knows him well) and a GI specialist, and we've pulled food out of his diet, and we've had his tongue and lip tie laser clipped, and still nothing. He's still difficult, and his mood is unpredictable, and my husband and I still lay in bed at the end of the day asking each other what else can we do?

Please know that we're not reinforcing bad behavior when we give him what we wants, we're simply surviving and when he's old enough to understand correction, we will work to stop it. But now, now it's just an uphill battle with weights on our feet, hands tied, sometimes with a blindfold, all the while carrying a screaming toddler and trying to guide and trying to help his older sister feel valued and important, too. It's hard. And we're usually just desperate to get through the day. Everyday.

But if you take anything from this post, absolutely anything, I want you to please, please know we love him, that he is a treasure greater than any ruby, diamond, or silver (we prayed 8 months for him and I nearly died trying to have him) and that we'd never, ever trade him for an easier, calmer baby.

It's beautiful. He's hard but so very, very loved. He's intense, but intensely treasured. He's loud, but his worth is louder than the loudest trumpet.

It's beautiful because we get to practice and live out unconditional love.

It's beautiful because we're learning (often failing) patience and gentleness and a peaceful spirit in the midst of chaos.

It's beautiful because even at our wits end, we're given a reminder of Gods faithfulness to our prayer and fasting for this baby.

It's beautiful because we know he was made specifically for our family and has been used to grow us and will continue to be used to grow each and every one of us in ways we currently don't even necessarily know we need to grow.

If you don't want to come over to hang out this season, I understand.

If he's obnoxious to you in the grocery store, my sincere apology. We're working on it.

If you think we're bad parents, that's fine.

If you have any kind of criticism, constructive or not, please keep it to your self. Especially the not part.

But if you're our friends or family and want to come give us a break or a date night or just check in on us or just offer us encouragement, please do.

And if you're reading this, are not any of the above (and at the risk of sounding hypocritical) but you're struggling to figure out your child, to read him/her, to have an optimistic view of tomorrow, to work through the judgment, criticism, impatience of the people around you, I understand. And I'm so very, very sorry that parenting is difficult, that your life is up in a dismay of tension and stress and unpredictability, that you're walking moment by moment on eggshells. I understand. And if I could give you even an hour of peace, I would. But take this encouragement, that tomorrow is a new day, rest (as much as you're able), and trust that God's mercies are new every morning, that you're not forgotten about, that life is just hard right now. It'll be OK. And I know this sounds cliché, but remember diamonds are made under extreme pressure and you can do this!

Health Issues

Hope everybody had a wonderful Chridtmas/holiday season!!

I've never, ever felt "great" for as long as I can remember.

In the last decade, I've really hit some major roadblocks that ended up leading to amisdiagnosis and medication I literally dreamt, more times than one, would end up killing me.

After Tru, I had a seriousll bout of postpartum depression and anxiety that ended with a significant diet change and a antidepressant that was nursing compatable.

It's never easy to admit that you have to go on an antidepressant, but sometime it's good to stand up to the taboo and admit that making a baby is hard, hard, hard on your body!

Any how, things haven't gotten better. As a matter of fact, they seem to be getting worse. One thing being that I have extreme muscle tenderness and I haven't at all worked out and my children are still so little, there's no way they caused it.

Essentially, if you were to even poke me in the arm, the pain level is about a 4 or 5 off the bat.  Like jump and almost feel like it was an attack.

It's like that all throughout my shoulders, back, and upper thighs; my hair is super tender and hurts when I brush... Like it's being pulled.

Any how, we've decided to see a chiropractor and if they can't resolve this pain, I'll start seeing specialists in an effort to test for issues.

Say a prayer.

Swimming Lessons

Zack's brother bought his family's dream home a year and a half or so ago.  It's honestly the most stunningly beautiful house.  It defines modern in looks, appliances, flooring, and all complete with a personal pool.  It's to die for.  And when we go for a visit, I usually take pictures if certain decor for ideas and leave with a million or so goals to improve our home.

The only problem is that, since their kids all know how to swim, they opted against putting up a fence around their pool.  Which is fine.  Except, Janni doesn't know how to swim.  Needless to say, you can imagine my stress when we're there.  I need to know where Janni is at all times or I can't even think.  I'm okay with being called paranoid, uptight, etc.

We were going to give Janni swim lessons two summers ago, but I wasn't feeling so well in June and missed the deadline to get her into lessons and the waiting list was a mile long.  Then, when July lessons opened, I had almost died and so lessons that summer weren't realistically going to happen.

I figured we would get her into lessons the following summer, but Tru was such a hard baby, that the thought of taking him and the risk of him screaming bloody murder made me want to cry, so for a second year, we put off swim lessons.

Recently, I was thinking about how much Janni really needs to learn how to swim, I went ahead and just signed her up.

Today, she had her first lesson and she did fantastic.  The teacher told me that she had strong arms and legs and that she would likely pick up swimming really quickly.  My momma's heart was just so at peace as I watched her swim.  Like, she will, God willing, be safe around water and living in a state where pools are almost more common than kids, that just gives me such a peace of mind.

Oh, Janni!  I am so proud of you!

Big Orange Kitten

We adopted a kitten in September. He was a complete surprise to my cat-loving husband.

He ended up being a bit of a terror and often climbed legs and hung there or ambushed your ankles from behind or bit or scratch and sometimes all within a 10 second period... He'd basically terrorize the household... Just typical kitten behaviors but more like he was on steroids. It. Never. Stopped. Even Janni, who just loved him, clearly got fed-up and started being proactive at fending him off!!,

He actually came from a litter of 7 kittens, so I'm sure they just played non-stop until his siblings were adopted out (when I adopted him, he was they last of two orange males). Let's just say I was a bit shocked and. Unprepared at his behavior.

It took two weeks, but he eventually warmed up to our dog, Frodo, and the dog actually assisted us in training him not to play too roughly!

Anyhow, he's really calmed down and is becoming more and more into his own spunky self.

Baby's First Lemon

Yes, yes, I know... Some people think it's mean to give a baby a taste of lemon... I am not one of those people.

Last week, we'd gone out for pizza and Tru was just bring ridiculous, grabbing any and everything on the table that could possibly be grabbed. He reached for Zack's water, that just so happened to have a lemon on the rim, and well... Just watch and see what it turned into.

I can't handle the cuteness!!

Changing Routine

Our church has 3 weekend services. The first one is on Saturday evening and catered to the doctors and other professions where having Sundays off consistently just isn't feasible.

The other two services are Sunday mornings. There's the early bird service where usually you see families with young children and senior saints. Then there is the late morning service where people who need to practice the day of rest by sleeping in and then having slow, restful, noon-rushed Sabboth mornings. This is, by far, the most popular service.

We are the family that attends the later... Except for the non-rushed mornings because we typically make it to church by the skin of our teeth.

Many of my friends with young children, however, attend first service and love it. They find that they're able to get fed spiritually and then be able to make it home for naps and then spend the rest of the Sabboth at home as they feel led. and we typically are able to say hi and visit in passing as they're leaving and we're arriving. And it's worked out fine for our family for several years now until now.

Janni has basically never needed naps. She does all get sleeping at night and if by chance she falls sleep during the day, she makes you pay for it by staying up past 10 that night. It actually had made me cry literal tears many a night. It's been one of the few incredibly difficult parts of parenting her.

But Tru oh, this boy knows how to nap. Two, three, sometimes even four hour naps and it's incredible! But if he doesn't get his nap on time, he falls apart and is off the rest of the day. The whole situation is entirely stressful.

The problem with our church service is that it starts right after Tru's first nap of he day and he's so excited to be at church that he won't nap while we're there... And then he falls apart and the rest of the day if so stressful. Many years shed. Ugh.

Last week, Zack was on the worship team and left before we needed to be there. As I waited for our service time to start, it dawned on me that I could start attending the first service

I rushed around like a maniac getting ready, got Janni ready, took Tru in his sleeper pajamas (the nerve!!), and made by the soon of our teeth (go figure)... But we made it. And then we got Tru home for nap and there rest of the day was peaceful.

This week we got up early, got ourselves ready, managed to get to church barely on time, sat through

.... But don't, Tru didn't get to go to church in his pajamas this week.