You notice us as we walk through the grocery store; I push him in the cart as he jumps and wiggles in his seat- high on life, my older daughter in tow- usually goofing off with him, and you gush at how adorable they are and how blessed I am. I politely smile (I know they are but don't want to seem prideful but in all honesty, you don't know the half of it) as I stop to grab a bunch of bananas and move on. I then realize that my cute and adorable son has managed to grab a glass bottle of some sort and I quickly take it from him right as he's getting ready to chuck it out of the cart . . . And that's when you hear it. . . A blood curdling, ear popping scream. His entire pleasant disposition has changed. He's red, angry, and loud and you take a double check to see if it's even the same baby you saw blissfully squealing moments before. I frantically look for something inside my diaper bag to distract him and give him a toy. Maybe he'll take it, maybe he'll chuck out the cart. Who knows. It's a guessing game but it's the only move I've got left in this game of laugh or scream that my son plays several times a day, on a daily basis.
But this is our boy. This is parenting a high needs child. They're not your normal child. Things that work with children who are not high needs definitely don't work with him. And guess what, we know we're not always pleasant to be around, we know he seems spoiled and catered to, we know it. Oh, do we know it!
Some have blamed me, saying that he's just reading me and responding to me. Some have tried to give me advice about how they handled their difficult child. Some have tried to encourage me saying their child has grown out of it.
But he's not responding to my facial expression, I'm responding to him; I'm panicked that his small display of discomfort or displeasure will escalate to full-on screaming tantrum that will make me never want to venture out of our house again. Your child is nothing like mine, and I saw you struggle the whole way through; please don't pretend to be an expert. And telling me it'll take 5 years for him to turn around makes me want to cry more than I already do.
Please know that I believe you are well-meaning but I don't need people telling me what I'm doing wrong or that I need to change my perspective, I already spend the majority of my time telling myself likewise. I need understanding, compassion, and a moment of prayer. I need encouragement for tomorrow, not for 5 years from now.. And if I sounds harsh, or rude, or unappreciative, please know that I'm not. I'm just already so broken about it all that I'm tired of feeling kicked while I'm down. It's hard enough to get back up without the constant reminder that I haven't figured my son out yet.
Please know, we're working on and with him and at 14 months old, there's very little we can do but weather this storm. I usually don't know what he wants or needs and I'm convinced that neither does he. There's no winning strategy at this point. And yes, we've taken him to our pediatrician (she knows him well) and a GI specialist, and we've pulled food out of his diet, and we've had his tongue and lip tie laser clipped, and still nothing. He's still difficult, and his mood is unpredictable, and my husband and I still lay in bed at the end of the day asking each other what else can we do?
Please know that we're not reinforcing bad behavior when we give him what we wants, we're simply surviving and when he's old enough to understand correction, we will work to stop it. But now, now it's just an uphill battle with weights on our feet, hands tied, sometimes with a blindfold, all the while carrying a screaming toddler and trying to guide and trying to help his older sister feel valued and important, too. It's hard. And we're usually just desperate to get through the day. Everyday.
But if you take anything from this post, absolutely anything, I want you to please, please know we love him, that he is a treasure greater than any ruby, diamond, or silver (we prayed 8 months for him and I nearly died trying to have him) and that we'd never, ever trade him for an easier, calmer baby.
It's beautiful. He's hard but so very, very loved. He's intense, but intensely treasured. He's loud, but his worth is louder than the loudest trumpet.
It's beautiful because we get to practice and live out unconditional love.
It's beautiful because we're learning (often failing) patience and gentleness and a peaceful spirit in the midst of chaos.
It's beautiful because even at our wits end, we're given a reminder of Gods faithfulness to our prayer and fasting for this baby.
It's beautiful because we know he was made specifically for our family and has been used to grow us and will continue to be used to grow each and every one of us in ways we currently don't even necessarily know we need to grow.
If you don't want to come over to hang out this season, I understand.
If he's obnoxious to you in the grocery store, my sincere apology. We're working on it.
If you think we're bad parents, that's fine.
If you have any kind of criticism, constructive or not, please keep it to your self. Especially the not part.
But if you're our friends or family and want to come give us a break or a date night or just check in on us or just offer us encouragement, please do.
And if you're reading this, are not any of the above (and at the risk of sounding hypocritical) but you're struggling to figure out your child, to read him/her, to have an optimistic view of tomorrow, to work through the judgment, criticism, impatience of the people around you, I understand. And I'm so very, very sorry that parenting is difficult, that your life is up in a dismay of tension and stress and unpredictability, that you're walking moment by moment on eggshells. I understand. And if I could give you even an hour of peace, I would. But take this encouragement, that tomorrow is a new day, rest (as much as you're able), and trust that God's mercies are new every morning, that you're not forgotten about, that life is just hard right now. It'll be OK. And I know this sounds cliché, but remember diamonds are made under extreme pressure and you can do this!
